Am I insecure?

Of recent days I have felt an enormous wave of guilt and shame which has led to inadequacy. The storm of events taking place has proven to be overwhelming for my surprisingly tiny limbic cortex to handle. What is it that has brought me to this stage in life? Why this feeling of inadequacy when life seems to be just where it is, the same as before? Is this stress related?

Can one actually define stress in the most obviously comprehensible language without sounding condescending to the feelings rather than words that stress is expressed in? Stress describes too many words or events happening altogether. Are these even real?

Let's tackle our problems one at a time as it comes. And yet, those are words easier said than done. Too many of the events happening around me are not exactly how I wanted it to go, and yet, I wasn't complaining. But when they caught up to me and I wished for things differently, it made others around me unhappy. Even so, why is it that others around me can have what they want while I have to be the scapegoat that sacrifices her wishes? And yet, saying this makes me sound selfish to myself. Is this feeling inadequate? I would rather sacrifice my dreams and hopes or rather wishes, just so everyone around me is happy. But why is it when I see them happy, I feel sad that no one asked me for what I wanted? It's like a never ending cycle of what I'd only like to blame on on, HORMONES! This must be hormones as I see this feeling of insecurity as inappropriate, unnecessary and self-harming.

Over the years of growing up, I have learnt that the many torments I have received from friends and relatives have gone to shape my personality. While I seem calm and happy on the outside, I feel the only reason I try to please others too much might be my seek for approval and love. I would gun down my ego and pride to talk to those who despise me just to reassure myself that I am indeed, LIKED. Is this the feeling of inadequacy?

I feel that it would be much easier for me to run away from all worries and not deal with them. Being in them has certainly caused a great deal of pain along with a sense of weight and burning sensation in my chest. Sometimes it feels like any more seconds in these miserable thoughts would actually explode my head like an explosive going off at a watermelon. I would rather be pink mist and happy than be pink skinned and miserable.

I am 30 years old and it is about time I started to think about myself and my future. But how do I put this strength in me? How do I begin to love those who are happy for me and forget about those who don't want to see me happy? How do I begin to ask for the things that I want without worrying about how others will feel? Why am I so insecure?